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Chances are, unless you are heavily cloistered, you've come across
a somewhat scatalogical list summarizing several major religions and
philosophies. The original was 12 or so entries long, and is most commonly
found on T-shirts. I don't know who came up with it -- I've never
seen it credited.
Well, sometime around 1992, I and several people from a BBS that I used to
frequent started expanding on that list, and soon we had more than a
hundred entries. It was originally just for our amusement, but somehow
that expanded list made it out onto the Net, where in the grand
tradition of all such things, it began to mutate and grow.
Around 1998, I decided to try to collect and compile all the
versions that were out there, and sort of bring it back under the
control of one of the original contributors, inasmuch as it was
actually possible to do that. I finally came up with what several sites,
including The Internet Infidels,
consider the definitive version. Now, for the first time, I'm
making it available on my own site.
Yes, I know there are sometimes multiple entries for the same
philosophy/religion/whatever. That happened when there were several
equally good but different interpretations; I didn't want to lose
any of them, so I used them all.
Also, the List is not set in stone. If you have a new entry
you'd like to contribute, feel free to email
it to me. I won't guarantee to use it, but I'll certainly give it
all due consideration.
Finally, a Warning for the squeamish! This list is scatalogical by
its very nature. If this is likely to upset you, don't read it!
Devout adherents to many of these belief systems may find it offensive.
If that describes you, don't read it! If for some reason
it is illegal in your area to read material of this nature, go ahead, try
a little civil disobedience. It's good for you.
WORLD RELIGIONS, PHILOSOPHIES AND IDEOLOGIES THE COMPLETE AND UNCENSORED SHIT LIST VERSION DATE: 6 JANUARY 2005 AA My name is N., and I'm a shit. Agnosticism What is this shit? Maybe there is shit or maybe it happens, maybe not. Alchemy We will make gold out of this shit. Altruism Want some shit? Let me give you my shit. Americanism Who gives a shit? Amish Shit dost occur. Anal Retentives Keep your shit to yourself. Anarchism My shit will happen wherever I want and you can't stop me! Anglicanism Our shit doesn't stink. Anthropocentrism If shit happens in the forest and no one smells it, does it stink? Anti-Platonism The World-of-Ideas is a *real* bullshit. Apathism I don't give a shit. Archimedesmism If I had a lever that's long enough, and a place to stand, I can move the earth -- even if it is full of shit. Aristotlism Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape. Shit is real. Neil Armstrong This is one small shit for me, but one giant heap for mankind. Asatru If shit happens, blame it on Loki. Atheism I don't believe this shit. There is no shit. Ba'Hai All shit is truly shit. Baptist You are shitting wrong, therefore you'll be punished. Baptist Fundamentalism Shit happens because the Bible says so. Blondism I'm stupid as shit. Bowdlerism **** happens. Branch Davidianism Shit burns. Breathairians We don't have to eat that shit. Buddhism Shit happens. If shit happens, it really isn't shit. George Bushism What shit? Read my lips, no new shit. George W. Bushism Shit happenifies plenitudifully. Calvinism Man is nothing but shit. Calvin-and-Hobbesism Man, this shit is fun. Candide-ism This shit is good for us to cultivate our garden. Caninism Shit happens in the neighbor's yard. Capitalism Do you buy this shit? How much will this shit cost? Shit happens, and it'll cost you! Carmensandiegism Where in the world is that shit happening? Cartesianism I shit, therefore I am. Catholicism If shit happens, you deserved it. Everybody gets shit. Chauvinism We may be shit, but you can't live without us. Chestertonianism Shit is the farthest thing from shit. Chinese Reformism Long live comrade Dung Xiao Ping! Christian Fundamentalism The belief that Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit. Clintonism I didn't inhale the shit! Commercialism Let's package this shit. Communism It's everybody's shit. Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit. Computerism Why won't this fucking shit work? Confucianism Confucius say, "Shit happens." Conservatism (UK) This shit is just not British! Constipation My shit just won't happen. Contract Theory If we don't agree to form society, everything will go to shit. Creation Science We have proof that God created all the shit that happens. Shit happens all at once. ...And the Lord said, "Let there be shit." Dadaism Blue shit rummage Idaho potato. Dadism Your mom knows her shit. Daffy Duckism It's *my* shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine! Darwinism We came up from shit. Deja Vu I think this shit happened before, but I'm not sure. Descartes I shit therefore I am. Dianetics Even shit can make money. Shit your way to a better life. Discordianism This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang. Dominicans Belive in shit, or we'll boil you in it. Donism I'm gonna' make ya' a shit you can't refuse. Dyslexianism Hits shapnep. Ecumenism Basically, we believe in the same shit happening. e. e. cummingsism shit being Brand-new; and you know consequently a little stiff... Egotism I AM the shit that happens! My shit is the only shit that matters. Empiricism Shit only happens if I see it happen. Employerism This shit is your fault. Energizer Rabbit Shit happens... and happens... and happens... Environmentalism Recycle this shit. Shit happens, but it's biodegradable. Euphemism Caca happens. Eurocratism Let's subsidize this shit. Evangelicalism I can heal people -- but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit. God has a wonderful plan for your shit. Evangelism You need our shit. Evangelionism I mustn't feel like shit, I mustn't feel like shit, I mustn't feel like... Evolution Shit happens gradually. Shit is getting better all the time! Existentialism Shit doesn't happen; shit just is. Existentialism, General Your shit is what you make of it. Existentialism, Sartre We are defined by our shit happening. Felinism Shit happens... bury it. Feminism Men are shit. Finagle's Third Law The happening of shit tends to a maximum. The Force Do not be swayed by the Dark Side of the shit. Fourier Transformism How frequently do you shit? If you shit more often, you'll shit for shorter periods of time. French Farmers Shit happened so we'll set fire to some trucks. Freudianism Shit happens as a result of repressed sexual urges. Frisbeetarianism Shit happens under cars, just out of reach. Gallagherism It's the incredible Shit-O-Matic! Garbagism I dump your shit. Geocentrism Our shit is the center of the cosmos! Green Peaceism Save this Shit. GURPSism Our shit can happen in any conceivable place or time. Guruism The master's shit does not stink. Hare Krishnaism Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama. Hawkingism Shit comes from black holes. Hedonism Fuck that shit; let's party! This shit is fun! Heisenbergism Shit happened, we just don't know where. Hinduism This shit happened before. This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life. Hippyism Make peace with shit. Hitchhikerism The answer to all this shit is 42. Idealism That shit's all in your mind. Illuminism We make shit happen. Impressionism This shit looks better from a distance. Inquisitionism Let's burn this shit. Interrogationism Ve haff vays of making you shit! Invincible Armada-ism Our shit is invincible -- and it floats! Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Islam, Shi'ite When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie. Islam, Sunni Why do Shi'ites always happen to us? Jeffersonism We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all shit is created equal. Jehovah's Witnesses No shit happens until Armageddon. Let me in your house and I'll tell you why shit happens. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. Judaism Why does shit always happen to US? Judaism, Reformed Got any Kaopectate? Jungianism All shit that happens is an aspect of the archetypical shit generated consensually by the mass subconscious. Kennedyism Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country. Kierkegaard This shit is highly improbable; therefore, we should believe it happens. Martin Luther King, Jr. I have a shit... Kinnisonism Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo! Thomas Kuhn Shit always happens exactly the way you expect it to. La Palicism Shit is Shit. Latinism Excrementum est. Lavoisier-ism No shit is lost. Libertarianism Hands off my shit. Logical Positivism Shit = S+H+I+T Lutheranism Catholicism is shit. Marianism This shit is immaculate. Marie Antoinette-ism If they can't afford bread, why don't they get shit instead? Marines It's not just shit, it's an adventure. Marlboroism Taste the real American shit. Marvin Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't even shit. Marxism, Classical The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again. Materialism Whoever dies with the most shit wins. Mathematicism Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D. May of 68-ism Society is a carnivorous shit. Shit is out in the streets. Shit to the power. We are all shit. McCarthyism Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Josh McDowell-ism Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop. Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage. Mennonite None of this modern shit now. Microsoftism There's a bug in this shit. That's not shit, it's a feature! Millenarism This shit will last a thousand years. Momism You'll eat this shit and like it! Moonies Only happy shit really happens. Mormonism Your shit is shit, but our shit is the ONE TRUE shit. God sent us this shit. Murphism Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place. Narcissism My shit don't stink. Native American This shit is sacred when it happens. Nazism This shit is vital to the Reich! Shit happens, and it's the result of degenerate art. New Age Why did I happen to create this shit? This isn't shit if I REALLY believe it's chocolate. Newton's First Law Shit that is happening tends to keep happening. Newton's Second Law You have to push to make shit happen. Newton's Third Law Every shit that happens has an equal and opposite shit happening. Nietzsche If you're not Ubermenschen, you're not shit. A man without a shit is not a man. Shit is dead! Nihilism Everything is shit. Nikeism Just do shit. NIMBYism Your shit's not gonna happen here. Nixonism Shit didn't happen, and if it did, I don't know anything about it. I am not a shit. Nonsequiturism Route 176 goes south. Nuremberg Trialism I only shat because they ordered me to. Oat Branism Your shit will keep happening. Objectivism Shit=Shit Occultism We eat our shit. Oliver Northism I shitted, I'm proud I shitted, and I'd shit again. Optimism That shit won't happen to me. This shit, too, will pass. Paganism Shit happens. Accept it. Shit is a part of nature and makes things grow. Panglossism This is the best of all possible shits. Paranoia Shit happens because it's a plot. Pascalism We are just shit. But we are thinking shit. Patriotism My shit, right or wrong. Give me liberty, or give me shit! Give me shit, or give me death! Pee-Weeism You can't arrest me for that shit! Perotism We're in deep shit. Personal Improvementism We must find the shit within ourselves. Pessimism That shit is going to happen. Picassoism Where does the shit come out from? Pig Latinism Itshay appenshay. Platonism There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image. Politically Correctism Don't call it shit. That's not nice. Call it "Nutritionally-Deprived Output." Nutritionally-Corrected Output happens. Positive thinking Shit is what you make it. Post-Modernism Nobody understands this shit. Pragmaticism It may be shit, but it works. Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else. Psychology I can help you deal with the shit that is happening. PTL Club Send us your shit. Quaker Quayleism Shite happense. Rastafarian Shit happens, but if it's all right with Jah, it's all right with me. "Let's smoke this shit." Reaganism I don't recall if shit happened. Reaganism, Nancy Just say, `Shit happens.' Republicanism We earned our shit. Revivalism I miss the good, old shit. Robinism Holy shit, Batman! Rousseau Only natural shit is worth shit. Sailormoonism You are responsible for this shit happening! Even if the people to whom this shit happened forgive you, I will not! A Pretty Sailor-Suited Soldier of Love and Justice! In the name of the moon -- shit happens! Schroedingerism Shit does not happen until you smell it. Scooperism If your shit happens here, you gotta pick it up. Secular Humanism Shit happens, but there's a rational explanation. Seventh Day Adventist No shit on Saturdays. Shakespeare To shit or not to shit, that is the question. Sherlock Holmes I know where this shit came from. Shinto Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect. Skinnerism If eat then shit. Socrates I am shit. But I know I am shit. Solipsism All this shit is a creation of my imagination. The only thing I can be sure of is that my shit happens. Spockism The shit of the many outweighs the shit of the few... or the one. Spockism, Reformed The shit of the one outweighs the shit of the many. Dr. Spockism Encourage your child to make shit happen. Spoonerism Hit shappens. Stalinism The state treats you like shit. Stoicism This shit is good for me. Sturgeon's Law 90% of everything is shit. Subgenius Shit happens -- SO WHAT? GIVE ME SOME SLACK! Surrealism Shit is shiny and shaped like a Buick. Taoism The shit that happens is not the true shit. Televangelism Your tax-deductible donation could stop this shit from happening. Thermodynamics: First Law The shit that happens cannot be created or destroyed. Second Law When shit happens, it happens from a place of more shit to a place of less shit. Third Law Disorder is the inevitable result of shit happening. Tolkienism One shit to rule them all, One shit to find them. One shit to bring them all And in the darkness bind them. Totalitarianism Shit doesn't happen unless we say so. Trekkism, TOS To boldly shit where no shit has happened before. Trekkism, TMP This shit is happening again. Trekkism, TNG This shit happens every week. Trekkism, DS9 Shit happens on the other side of the wormhole. Trekkism, Voyager Shit happens on the other side of the galaxy. Trekkism, Enterprise Is this shit happening *again*? Twelve-Step Programs God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit. US Army Shit all that you can shit. Unitarianism There's only one shit, but you can have it happen any way you want. Universalism One shit's as good as another. Unix Shit Happened. Core dumped. Ursism Shit happens in the woods. Utilitarianism Do that which generates the greatest shit for the greatest number. Let's make the best of this shit. Vacuum That shit sucks. Vandalism I'm gonna wreck this shit! Virtual Reality I can almost smell this shit when it happens. VMS Want to make shit happen? No Privilege for Attempted Operation. Voodooism Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Voyeurism Look at that shit happening. Waldoism Where *is* that little shit? Wicca An it harm none, shit where you want. X-Files-ism Shit is out there. I want to shit. Xeno's paradox It's logically impossible for shit to happen. Yahwehism "Take off your sandals, for the shit you're stepping on is holy shit." Yuppieism It's my shit! All mine! Zen What is the sound of one shit happening? PU! Zoroastrianism Shit happens half the time. And finally, the Argument From Shit: 1. If God were omnibenevolent, he wouldn't want shit to happen. 2. If God were omnipotent, he would be able to prevent shit from happening. 3. Shit Happens. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- . . . 4. God is not both omnibenevolent and omnipotent.
Copyright © 2000-
2005 by Robert M.
Schroeck.
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