Several readers have written to ask me when I will be updating my Third Season reviews to cover the rest of the series. In all fairness, that isn't something I can do. You see, if I did, the earlier seasons would, more or less, come out smelling like prize-winning roses, while the latter seasons would come out increasingly like, well, insert the noisome substance of your choice. In lieu of distressing anyone who prefers the latter seasons to the earlier, I offer instead the results of a gedanken experiment suggested by one of the Endies. If one had the power to rearrange the series any way he/she wanted to, what would be that person's Dream X-Files series?
If I were to come up with my perfect version of the show, I'd want to rearrange not only the order of episodes within the series, but parts of individual episodes, to give the series [gasp!] continuity and character development. I'll keep to three seasons of 22 episodes with the same basic arcs we saw in the first three seasons on the show, but there are fundamental elements the episodes have to contain before they'll be used in my perfect X-Files. First, the myth-arc stories need to be relatively linear. No oiliens, bees, clones, Jeremiah Smiths, black oil, cancer, or Emily. Second, the MOTW's have to be either (a) coherently interpretable from both Mulder's and Scully's POV's or (b) if paranormal, the logic behind that alternate normality should be internally consistent. Third, Mulder and Scully need to be themselves. He's empathic, intuitive, with a quirky intelligence and wry sense of humor. She's logical, loyal, and a dedicated professional. They both care deeply about finding the truth, in their own way, and looking to see that justice is done, again, each in his or her own way.
The first season of any series needs to set up its universe and characters, and suggest the major plot arcs the show will explore. On the X-Files, we had the added bonus of several stories where the case can be viewed from either of the characters' POV's on the paranormal and interpreted coherently. That was wonderful, subtle writing, so I'd like to give some of those forgotten stories a chance for long-overdue recognition.
(1) The Pilot: "Nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted!" The meeting between M&S is unforgettable. The Billy Miles case is interesting and this episode does a serviceable job of introducing us to the alternate universe of X-F and the characters.
(2) Squeeze: That's right, this one before Deep Throat. Why? Not because I don't love Jerry Hardin as Deep Throat (I miss him terribly, more with each passing season), but because M&W are doing the show runner's job of creating the intellects and partnership of M&S. Both of those need to be in place so the partners' behavior toward each other in DT makes sense.
(3) Deep Throat: Okay, now that we have the universe and characters established, let's get the myth-arc started right.
Ditch Conduit. It throws a version of Samantha's disappearance out there that contradicts the Pilot and is never seen again. The case with the kid watching TV and receiving messages from his sister is interesting, but not enough to counteract the Samantha nonsense.
(4) The Jersey Devil: First within-an-episode change: I'd move this one out to Oregon and set it in a fictional town named 'Jersey' founded by English settlers from that part of Merrie Old England. Same Scully development, same fun M-S interactions ("Are you going to feed me?"), and, finally, someplace that really has trees.
(5) Shadows: Yes! Great Athena, I love this story, even though most Philes don't. It has everything I want in an X-File: M&S using their brains to follow clues and solve the case, Scully taking initiative to get Lauren Kyte to cooperate with them, Mulder taking a step back and letting his very capable partner lead the task force, one of M&W's unforgettable characters in Lauren Kyte, and a cool ghost story. So, shoot me. :-)
(6) Ghost in the Machine: I'd keep this one too, but not for the creaky MOTW. I liked the Jerry Lamana stuff, I liked how Mulder let the guy walk over him without protest and mourned his death. It says a lot about Mulder's loyalty to his partners and his lack of self-esteem. Plus, it has Deep Throat. That buys an episode a lot for me. :-)
(7) Fire: Agent Scully's on the case, even if Agent Mulder is being led around by the Little Man. There's another interpretation to be placed on Scully's behavior around Phoebe, which isn't jealousy, and moving it here helps make that clear. The good Doctor has a case to solve, and she cares that her partner's being sucked into yet another old toxic relationship like he had with Jerry Lamana.
(8) Ice: This is one of those stories I could watch over and over, and for more reasons than I think other folks understand. I never get tired of watching Scully use her brains, especially as she was given so little opportunity once Darin left the show.
An ixnay on Space. We learned nothing about M&S, Carter makes the first of hs steals from Kneale but makes it worse, and it was the first budget-buster. An all-round loser. Instead, we'll rearrange a bit so next we have...
(9) Eve: Evil kids. Evil kids! EVIL KIDS!! I'll always love this story for that, and for introducing the idea of Consortium experimentation to produce super-soldiers so very, very well.
(10) Genderbender: This is an X-file that's just plain fun. Reptiles do it, fish do it, so why can't reclusive aliens do it? M&W gave us a strong rational woman and an intuitive empathic man, so, yes, let's show that gender isn't an absolute.
(11) Fallen Angel: I watched the second half of this episode recently on FX and fell in love with X-F all over again. There were so many things that were right about this story. Gordon and Ganza must know someone who has epilepsy. Max Fenig's first questions when he came out of his seizure are the same ones I've answered for my Mom when she would come out of hers. There was wonderful, magnificent Jerry Hardin. We saw a Mulder dedicated to finding the truth; we saw the real Scully. No Agent Prune-Face at Mulder's side in the hospital. When called to help, she immediately throws off her coat and asks, "Where do I scrub up?" Curse you, Chris Carter, for destroying this unique creation and attempting to replace her with the Madonna of the Clones. Last, Max Fenig dies! McGrath tells Mulder (and us) that his body was found in a dumpster. So, Carter can't bring him back in Tempus Fugit- Max. Too bad those stories really couldn't have been erased.
(12) Tooms: Why here? It's time to bring in one of the most underused characters on the show: Walter Sergei Skinner. Because DT blocked McGrath's attempt to shut down the Files. M&W could very easily have added a line or two from Skinner explaining that he was there because McGrath had resigned, or something. He could then read M&S the riot act and the story could proceed as (magnificently) written. I'd keep the ending, even though we're further from TEF (for reasons I'll make clear in a minute).
(13) Beyond the Sea: Too perfect. I'm moving it only so we can have something of a three-story mini-arc for Scully here.
(14) Lazarus: The ultimate X-File, in terms of either or both of M&S's viewpoints on the paranormal being correct in any one story. Another loss for Scully with Jack Willis' death.
(15) Shapes: Once again, I know a lot of Philes don't like this story, but, I don't care. We see the J. Edgar Hoover's' first X-File (forget Spudnut's and Catboy's version). Now Scully's speech to Lyle Parker about losing her father resonates.
(16) Young At Heart: A start of a mini-arc for Mulder. Deep Throat shares a beer with his surrogate son; Mulder loses yet another tie to his past with the death of Reggie Purdue. This also had a real, science-based MOTW (unlike Leonard Betts).
(17) Miracle Man: Juxtaposing science and religion, I'd link these two together. I like the X-file: Is faith-healing real or psychosomatic? I also liked the way Mulder's Samantha obsession is used. In this perfect world, the girl Mulder sees as Samantha would have been played by Vanessa Morley. Which leads us to...
(18) Paper Hearts: Yes, I'd put it here. Why? Three reasons. First, it makes no sense for Mulder to question whether his sister is alive once Agent Eidetic Memory sees her current San Diego address in her file in the Strughold Mine. Second, the paranormal 'psychic link' Mulder postulates between himself and Roche doesn't need to be real for the story to work, making it a perfect S. One MOTW. Third, Skinner is very much at odds with M&S, which makes sense now, but not after "pucker up and kiss my a**" in Paperclip. Last, it's too good a story and a performance by DD to go to waste in the deserts of S. Four.
(19) Kaddish: Ooh, you know I'd find a way to save this one. Mulder's off-kilter throughout this episode, and Scully's being very protective. Perfect for following the trauma of John Lee Roche.
(20) E.B.E.: Time to ratchet up the myth-arc for the end. By rearranging the stories to put Scully, then Mulder, through a series of personal crises, the repeated refrains of "You're the only one I trust" make loads of sense.
(21) Darkness Falls: Fun, fun, everywhere fun, minus the purportedly light-hating little green bugs swarming Doug Spinney as he flailed in front of those oh-so-bright halogen headlamps. We could have accomplished the same degree of terror if all four characters had been swamped inside the jeep while Spinney had frantically tried to restart the engine after running over the caltrops. A great environmentalist sub-text, not that Carter meant for it to be there. It was good to see both agents make mistakes, yet overcome them.
Lose Born Again and Roland, which each had some interesting performances by guest stars, but, overall, nothing that we hadn't seen before.
(22) The Erlenmeyer Flask: Sigh. We love you, Deep Throat! One of the most magnificent myth-arcs written. Too bad the rest of the series never lived up to this story's potential.
These first eight X-Files were as close to perfection as the series would achieve. I wouldn't change a thing.
(1) Little Green Men: I wish CArter had stuck with M&W's First Contact theme. It would have made the cohesion of human culture in the alternate universe of X-F so much more plausible.
(2) The Host: So very, very much fun.
(3) Blood: Eh. Works for some folks.
(4) Sleepless: I know Gordon borrowed from Jacob's Ladder, but this is one story I never tire of. Mister X, the idea of super-soldier experimentation, and the quality of M-S interactions are never so well-used as they are here.
(5) Duane Barry: Carter, do you have any idea how good this story is, and how bad your other directorial attempts are? If you had quit while you were ahead, oh, my. You would have earned all the accolades you've stolen. I've discussed in several places how DB is a cautionary example to Mulder as to what he could become. Scully uses all her faculties here and draws on all her closeness to Mulder to save him from his own self-destructive tendencies.
(6) Ascension: A perfect follow-up to DB. Perfect.
(7) 3: Mulder's lost without Scully and can't think straight. Works for me.
(8) One Breath: What can one say about this story that hasn't been said?
(9) Firewalker: More within-the-episode changes: I'd take this one off the volcano and put it in underground caverns with subterranean pools of blind fish, etc. Then the MOTW makes sense (although I'd drop the silicon life-form speculations) and we could keep the wonderful rebuilding of M&S's partnership. I'd hate to lose the "I'm a doctor and these people are my patients" Scully speech, followed by Mulder's little "Well, she's back" wry smile.
(10) Red Museum: Another stand-out myth-arc story. We close the DT arc, Scully uses her head, and Mulder listens.
(11) Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose: Why am I bringing in Darin's S. Three stories here? Because the M-S interactions make sense in S. Two. They're far too subtle and nuanced for the "Why have M&S stopped listening to each other?" fights of S. Three. CBFR is in a class by itself, of course, but the quality of the MOTW belongs in S. Two.
(12) Excelsius Dei: Another story most fans would ditch that I would keep for its sub-text of our mistreatment of the elderly.
(13) Aubrey: This is an excellent episode. Great idea, great problem-solving by M&S as a team. Thank you, Sara Charno.
Lose Irresistable. While Donnie Phaster (based on real serial killers) gives me the chills and I loved watching Mulder think like a profiler, I never want to see Damsel-in-Distress Scully again.
(14) Die Hand die Verletzt: So sorry to see M&W go. In many ways, bar two, this is a perfect S. Two MOTW. Yes, the paranormal is real, but there are no story short-cuts here. M&S collect evidence to solve the case; there are red herrings, both normal and paranormal. The only off notes for me are the water swirling 'backward' in the drinking fountain (we could just as easily have had a scene with Mulder washing his hands and have water flow backwards from the basin into the faucet, which would have been what witches were actually accused of) and Mulder handcuffing a suspect alone in a basement. Yes, he does this because he thinks Scully is in danger, but the intelligent person Mulder was would have dropped his witness with the police. It's a small town, so the school and station couldn't be far apart. For that matter, he could have called for a uniformed policeman to check on Scully while he brought in his witness. The officer would have reported that Scully was just fine while Mrs. Paddock had her snack in a jail cell.
(15) War of the Coprophages: We've had an unquestionably paranormal story, now it's time for an unquestionably scientific one. As with CBFR, the M-S interactions fit S. Two.
(16) Fresh Bones: This one was fun, no great character development, just ooky fun (the blood coming out of the ham!). I'd keep it for Mister X's appearance.
(17) Dod Kalm: This was the most brilliant partnership episode Gordon and Gansa wrote (and the last they wrote together). Plus, Scully solves the case. The dehydration make-up is a bit much, but it served the purpose.
(18) Our Town: If all Spotnitz's offerings had been this well-written, I wouldn't be calling him nasty names on the Endies Board.
(19) Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space': Let's face it, this story fits anywhere in the first three seasons (before Talitha Cumi). It's a good way of turning S. Two back to the myth-arc for the season finale.
(20) Soft Light: Notice I've done some rearranging here. I'd like to run the tension toward the end of the season up, and this is one way to do it. I loved seeing Mister X from inside the Consortium.
(21) F. Emasculata: If we need an idea of how dangerous the Consortium is, this story provides it.
(22) Colony: My, where this series could have gone. I liked the faux-Samantha plot-line and that the aliens are afraid of the Consortium. I liked that the aliens didn't all trust each other. I loved the tension between Mulder and Bill.It's so much more interesting than the insinuations about the CSM and Mrs. Mulder of the latter seasons.
This will be just as Mulder-centric, myth-arc light, and Rifty as the broadcast S. Three, but there are ways to do that and not lose sight of who the characters are. What follows won't take us to Macho!Mulder and Stupid!Sidekick!Scully.
(1) End Game: If we strip out the argument in the basement between M&S that I'm sure Spotnitz thought was just peachy-keen, I don't have the problems with these two episodes that other folks here do. If the aliens are brought in at this stage, then let's end this plot-line with the aliens either all dead or on their way back home, or (preferably) DO SOMETHING WITH THEM. I'd take the opportunity to grow some story, but Carter and Spotnitz either wouldn't or couldn't. Given that, I'd end the aliens plot-line and let us concentrate on human-scaled conflicts for the rest of the series.
Burn Fearful Symmetry in the same incinerator as the bodies in F. Emasculata. This episode serves no purpose other than to provide a model for the illogical nonsensical MOTW's we would see too much of in later seasons. Instead, give us...
(2) Humbug: We could use some levity here, after the seriousness of C-E.
(3) The Calusari: I love this one, too. Scully is faced with uncontrovertible proof of the paranormal and Mulder shows he respects the religion of others. After DHDV and this episode, Revelations makes no sense whatsoever for his character.
(4) The Goldberg Variation: One of the genuinely great (and fun) MOTW's from the end of the series that has a subtext and a human, likeable MOTW you actually root for. Scully and Mulder behave like their genuine selves, which is noticeably out-of-character for the ciphers of the latter seasons.
(5) Drive: An interesting MOTW, M&S are on the same wavelength throughout, and Scully finds the evidence that solves the case. This is great stuff, totally out of place in the latter seasons. I'd bring it back here where it still makes some sense.
(6) Home: Every season needs a little Morgan & Wong.
(7) X-Cops: I loved the S. One nature of the MOTW. Is it fear killing people, or Mulder's bogey-man? It could have come anywhere in the series life and fitted just fine.
(8) Je Souhaite: Not Vince's best, but it's a fun MOTW, and the last scene would leave us in a comfortable place before...
The Rift:
Let's say CC really wanted to do a Rift in S. Three. To do it right (or, as well as we could with the materials at hand) we could start with...
(9)-(10) The Field Where I Died: Make this one a two-parter by, first, including all the scenes supporting Scully's POV that were cut out by da Boys who think she has no brains. There are several other things I would change to make this story more palatable for my logical tastes. (1) Let Scully be the one to point the way through the tall grass by recognizing that it was beaten down where Ephesian and his wives had just walked on it. Boneheadedly ignoring this obvious 'conventional' explanation for Mulder's 'intuition' had me rolling my eyes when I watched the episode. (2) Have Mulder kept out of the room while Melissa Ephesian is regressed, and keep her out of the room while Mulder is regressed. Otherwise they're just feeding each other's fantasies and weakening any reliable information to be obtained from their sessions. (3) Let Mulder's regression include his LGM memories of Samantha's abduction. It gives what he says later a bit more weight. (4) Pull the CSM as SS man reference in Mulder's regression. We already know the CSM is evil, so it doesn't add anything to the development of anyone's character. I'm sure M&W would have deleted it had they been aware of the myth-arc developments of the real S. Three. Instead, we can dramatize the Mulder regression scenes (show, not tell) from the Civil War. This would give us the opportunity to illustrate the permanence of Mulder's relationships with Samantha, Scully, and Melissa Ephesian.
(11) Demons: There is so much to love about the unhinged Mulder of this story it can't be left out. If Mulder shouts at his Mother "What happened to Samantha! You were there!" and not the stupidity about "Who is my father!" we can keep everything in the recovered memories and murder mystery just as they are. It's important to show that Mulder's decline is related to his regrets that he's accomplished so little in the search for his sister, especially after the alien Pilot tells him she's still alive.
(12) Oubliette: I genuinely hate this story. The MOTW makes no sense and Mulder is completely off the rails here, not using his brains at all. I'd explicitly tie his problems back to Samantha, just as I would in Demons. Then we'd take something of a break for...
(13) Bad Blood: If we must have a comic episode of M&S at odds, as Carter seemed to require in Syzygy, this is a far more enjoyable hour of our time. For my version, Gillian ditches the nine-inch nails. In my perfect X-Files, her character wouldn't even consider having them.
(14) Never Again: After TFWID, Demons, Oubliette, and "Moose and Squirrel", I could see Scully wanting to hang up on Mulder and never look back. We'll keep the 'Scully gets lucky' scene, too. If Mulder had some R&R with Kristen, well, what's sauce for the gander... Let's say at the end Mulder drops that rose petal onto a Skinner-approved request for her transfer out of the X-Files.
(15) Grotesque: Make this a stand-alone Mulder story, like 3. That would let us keep Patterson, have Mulder examine his own darkness, and remove the pointless "Scully thinks Mulder is the murderer" plot-line.
(16) Tithonus: I love this case with all its delightful sub-text about immortality. It's a perfect place to show how Scully has grown and have her recognize that she belongs working the X-Files with Mulder. Rearrange the M-S interactions so: (1) Mulder is following Scully from his basement office while she doesn't want to talk to him. (2) Let her recognize she's seen enough in this alternate X-Files to not reject all things paranormal. (3) Let her recognize that her approach to the X-Files has been irrevocably changed by her time with Mulder, and write her understanding she's become her own brand of believer. She'll look for answers that are verifiable and logically coherent, but, she's moved beyond pure skepticism. (4) Let Mulder talk to her at the end while staring at his shoes and Scully barely acknowledging his existence.
(17) The Pine Bluff Variant: A great suspenseful story, wasted in the latter seasons. I'd keep the mostly Mulder-centric focus with him off chasing the right-wing group, but I'd make some significant re-writes of what Scully's doing on her own. I'd make this investigation of Mulder's a set-up between the FBI and the Consortium (off-screen, so we don't blow The Blessing Way) to get him killed. I'd write Mister X and Scully working together to collect evidence to prove that, with her threatening to go public unless she's reinstated on the X-Files. The episode would end with Mulder seriously injured in that final fire-fight, so we could have his internal musings we saw in...
(18) Amor Fati: We can use all Mulder's alternate life (replacing the Fowl One with Phoebe Green, who is all Diana ever was anyway) in his coma while Scully uncovers clues about Samantha. She (since the Doctor is an active protagonist in my perfect X-Files) brings the FBI to an agreement about her and the X-File's future. Keep the ending, showing how close the partners have become by replacing the Fowley discussion with Scully sharing her Samantha information with Mulder. Now, we have a reason for the FBI and the Consortium to consider the X-Files agents dangerous and put hallucinogens in Mulder's drinking water in Anasazi. Mister X would, after helping Scully, have to disappear for his own good.
(19) Pusher: This is one of the genuinely great episodes of the series. Robert Patrick Modell as played by Robert Wisden scared me to death. If we need any evidence of M&S's rejuvenated trust in each other and respect for each other's abilities, this story provides it.
(20) Anasazi: Why did da Boys blow everything this story offered? Why?
(21) The Blessing Way: I loved this story for the authentic Native American ritual and for the introduction of the Old Men. Now if Carter and Spotnitz had only done something rational with it.
(22) Paperclip: There are a few significant changes I'd make to what was once one of my favorite X-Files so it would work as the end of the series. First of all, don't write M&S losing their brains and fighting in front of the Well-Manicured Man. They had both seen enough at that point to understand that each other's viewpoint was valuable and verified. Plus, fighting makes no sense in the context of Mulder's "bound together in dangerous purpose" comments in TBW. This is a time for them to stand united, not start dividing. Second, they hang onto the records on Scully and Samantha. Stuff them down their shirts, something. They're trained investigators, not bumbling hicks. They know about the fragility of evidence. It will give the Samantha arc closure in that Mulder will be on the verge of starting his new life. Third, the kids in prosthetics and the Mothership rescue go. They make no sense given LGM and C-E. There are plenty of other ways to get M&S out of Strughold besides the "Oops, I dropped my flashlight" silliness. I'd keep all the wonderful plot and character revelations this episode gave us. Now, we end with the Truth still 'Out There' but with none of the insanity that would follow. It would also give the Mulder-Mrs. Mulder scenes a post-Demons, pre-Samantha-reunion reconciliation feel, rather than seeming to come out of left field. Also, end the series with the huggie. It made perfect sense for where the characters were, and would close their Rift forever.
There are episodes I really, really enjoyed that I couldn't work into this structure (Unusual Suspects, Small Potatoes, The Unnatural, and Hollywood AD). But, I wanted to give the series a three-season arc that left its alternate universe and characters in good places. It would have been better for the show to go out at the top of its game. 1013 should have left the fans with a sense of regret that the series had to end, rather than with them calling loudly for the show to die.