Characters

Sline Essponydus - a male gnome

For as long as you can remember, you always had a knack for remembering things. Even the smallest details did not escape you. As a child, you won about 7 or 8 spelling bees, and 5 or 6 more quiz bowl championships.

In school, subjects that gnomes were traditionally strong in, like math or engineering seemed to elude you. You did all right in the theoretical portions of those classes, but when it came down to application, you were at a loss. Your favorite subject was history. What people had done in the past and their motivation had always fascinated you.

Your parents were a bit concerned about your poor performance in math and science. The A's in history were OK, but how were you ever going to get a job when you got older. Who ever heard of a gnomish historian? Your parents beseeched you to try to do better in the sciences.

The whole matter became a lot worse after your disastrous chemistry course. You were given an assignment to perform an experiment that would show the effects of heat and/or pressure on a substance of your choosing. You were supposed to document the expected results prior to the experiment, and then the actual changes after the experiment was completed. You decided to make some peanut candy by baking peanut butter in the sun. You were convinced that the effects of the sun on the peanut butter would cause it to harden into something like peanut brittle. Unfortunately, the whole thing did not turn out like you expected. The extended time in the sun did not cause the peanut butter to harden, but instead the oil separated from the peanut stuff. In order to convince the instructor that you had indeed created a type of candy, you licked the oily substance. You tried hard to suppress the look of disgust on your face when you tasted the greasy stuff. Needless to say, the instructor was not convinced. You got a D on that project.

Determined to stir up your interest in some kind of applicable subject, your parents pushed you into music.

You were enthused about becoming a musician at first. Although it wasn't a popular instrument at the time, you chose the guitar, in honor of the great wizard/guitar player Shaflukus, one of your favorite historical figures. Around the year 0, Shaflukus used the powers of magic and his guitar to tame the ferocious Vortex. He then led a hoard of the beasts into Irondale and defeated the evil ogre army, the Legion of Pounders. After the battle, Shaflukus was heard to say, "Music doth soothe the savage beast. And a lightning bolt or two doesn't hurt either." The thought of the great Shaflukus often motivated you when you thought you'd rather be outside playing than practicing your guitar.

You really enjoyed playing your music, but you soon began to realize that it was nothing more than a hobby for you. You continued to practice frequently to placate your parents, but you knew that music was not your life's calling.

History continued to be your chief interest. Against your parents' wishes, you decided to attend the Slgrthzk Historical Institute of Technology. It was a little known school with only about 100 students. You heard that the school added the "of Technology" to its name some time in the past as a ploy to attract more students.

College was a wonderful time for you. There was so much knowledge to be gained. Most other students you knew used most of their electives on classes in a particular subject that interested them. You, on the other hand, used your electives to take classes in a variety of subjects. You picked up a spattering of magical skills. Language was another interest. You even got into physical education a little bit, taking some martial arts courses.

You graduated near the top of your class with a degree in history. But you really weren't ready to leave school yet. You decided to go for an advanced degree in history. The main requirement for the advanced degree was a thesis paper. Over the next two years, you would take a few courses here and there, but your focus would be on the paper. You decided that your topic would be the history of the Collector. You began your preliminary research on the item.

Although the Collector was most associated with the human wizard, Actex, this device really had a lot to do with the shaping of modern gnomish history. Even the war between the gnomes and the Kingdom of East Lansing which was still raging at the time, was caused in large part by the fiasco which came about when Actex hired a group of gnomish scientists to create for him a perfectly shaped crystal. He would then enchant this crystal, creating from it a magical device, which he called Itemzot. Itemzot would later become known as the Collector.

The whole thing started because Actex, a.k.a. Actex the Unruly, wanted a container for a magic sword he had. The magical sword was very powerful, however, it was enchanted with the power of speech. The thing would blather about ad nauseam. It irritated Actex to no end. He wanted to keep the sword around, but he had to devise some way to shut the damned thing up. This container was the best idea he could think of.

So, Actex commissioned a group of gnomes to forge the crystal. Actex was a brilliant mage, but he was no designer and his plans were flawed. The gnomes created a 5-inch diameter sphere when Actex really wanted the crystal to be large enough to contain the sword, a diameter of about 5 FEET. Actex was not pleased with the delivered product, though it was delivered exactly as designed.

Actex was not deterred, however. He decided to go ahead with the enchantments in spite of the misconstructed crystal. However, something went awry during the spell casting. The object was supposed to cause a designated item to be shrunk and teleported inside of the crystal when the command word was spoken. This didn't work exactly as expected. Instead, the collector automatically teleported in one item per hour, seemingly at a random time, from anywhere within a 10' radius of it. Various things disappeared into the collector from Actex's laboratory and from all the various places where Actex made the mistake of taking the device. At one time, the device even contained the great Shaflukus' Bass Guitar.

Then, Actex, who was very angry with the gnomes for their part in the failure of the device, allowed the Statue of Brahtu to be sucked into the collector. This statue was an important symbol for the Gnomish Kingdoms. Hundreds of years before, the Darklord Brielad gave the statue of Brahtu, one of his orcish lieutenants, to Krooplzk Skbar. The Darklord was then trapped on the Isle of the Capstone (which was interestingly built by the gnomes) and the orcs were driven back to their original homes in the Splinter Spire Mountains. The statue was seen as an omen of the future greatness of the gnomes. The Festival of Stone is celebrated today in commemoration of the event. The disappearance of the revered statue was the chief cause of the start of the war between the Kingdom of East Lansing and the gnomes.

Having completed your initial research, you had to present your thesis topic to the Thesis Approval Board. These guys were very picky about what subjects were accepted as thesis topics. They were famous for rejecting ideas. On the day of your presentation to the board, you were very nervous. You had spent a lot of time doing preliminary research and didn't want to start from scratch. You could feel your stomach churning. You began to realize now why many of the advanced students referred to them as the "Intimidation Board".

Unfortunately, the board lived up to its reputation, rejecting your thesis topic. 'Already been done', they said. Some guy named Bob Whee had written a pretty complete history of the collector several years ago. Back to the drawing board. You took comfort thinking of Drezn Punk, the great gnomish engineer who once said, "If at first you don't succeed, start all over and hope for better luck the second time."

You had to come up with a new idea, something with a unique spin, otherwise the board probably wouldn't go for it and you'd have to start all over yet again. You decided that your new thesis topic would be the history of gnomish awards. The gnomes were quite famous for giving out many different awards both to gnomes and non-gnomes alike. You figured that this was certainly an original topic.

Your preliminary research revealed quite a bit that you did not already know. Buslenforisa, or the Magic Bus, a vehicle that could travel on land as well as on water, was a tremendous engineering undertaking for the gnomes. The Gnomish King, Russian Rhye, awarded citations to each of the regional governors for their contributions in the creation of the huge craft:

and Brt Brglnrd for self-maintenance design and the installation and inventive use of specially

After the great hurricanes blew down the gnomish cities, the ogre Xleck, (best remembered for saying, "Me like gnomes... with lots of ketchup, mmm") drove the gnomes out of their original homelands. The new gnomish king, Kthsuurg Slgrthzk, led the gnomes into the Squanderlands and settled underground in what is now the city of Slgrthzk. Many gnomes were granted the Royal Order of Ingenuity and Efficiency for their work in creating their new home:

Xrethpl Sluumnemeny for infravisional enhancement,

Nacklerx Brthzpn, posthumously, for subterranean research,

Turslein Phildedewea for navigational equipment,

Wahbabble Dinkledeu, posthumously, for weapons research and design,

Xlentrzk Prshtu for botanical research, and

Grmtxk Mxlplyx for lifestyle management.

The High Order of Craftsmanship was awarded to Crx Zxnprx for research and design, and Filyplp Phildedewea for navigational equipment.

Honorable Society of Achievement was awarded to Skellpock Upnod for logistics.

Honorable mention was awarded to Gorflin Essponydus (Wow! A relative?), for resourceful retrieval.

The Certification of Extreme Ingenuity was awarded to Grendl Skbar for research and development.

The highest honor awarded to a non-gnome, the Medal for Conspicuous Gnomery, has only been awarded to 5 beings in its entire history:

Horatio Smallstep, a halfling, best known as the world's first map maker, who guided the

Korvic Nocineur, a human farmer, who helped the gnomes develop new varieties of underground

Flit Windfellow, the mighty pixie warrior, who helped the gnomes in the war against the vile

Tap the Brownie, for his work as a footwear consultant. Tap, interestingly enough said of the

It was time again to present your topic to the Intimidation Board for approval. Things went much better this time around, but the board still wasn't completely sold. Reppep Frthnml, the chairman of the board demanded, "Well, I guess there are no comprehensive works out there about the history of gnomish awards, but there are several works which reference the awards individually. The 'Let's Talk About...' series has several good pieces as I recall. What makes your paper different?"

'Uh-oh', you thought. Time to think on your feet. "Well," you addressed the board, "I have a personal source within the gnomish government who I plan to interview about the significance of the awards."

"Hmm," said Mr. Frthnml, "that is an interesting spin. Who exactly is this source of yours?"

You had a feeling that question was coming. You remembered the great gnomish moralist, Oramac Fvrbnn who once said, "Lies are like elephants. Even the small ones are big." and figured that if you were going to lie, you might as well make it a good one. "As a matter of fact, it so happens that my family is personal friends with the Gnomish Prince, Isa Skbar." Did that actually come out of your mouth, you wondered immediately after you said it.

"Is that so?" replied the chairman. "That does make the topic quite a bit more interesting. Well, let's hold a vote. All in favor of approval?" All the board members raised their hands. "Well, I guess it's unanimous. Your topic is approved. Good work son. I'm looking forward to reading that thesis with your interview of the prince."

You weren't quite sure what you were going to do now. You thought about it for a while and you guessed that the best thing to do would be to complete the paper first, then worry about the interview. You thought of the renown political analyst, G.G. Wizerheim, who said, "Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow", and figured that you had a good couple of years to figure out how to get in with the prince. You could come up with something by then.

That two years passed by quicker than you had ever imagined possible. You were still no closer to getting an interview with the prince and the deadline for the thesis was rapidly approaching. You thought that maybe you could fake the interview. But then you realized that would never work. The board was far too savvy to fall for something like that. You would simply have to find some way to talk to the prince.

You decided to write a letter, come clean with the prince and hope he accepted your request for an interview. Not too long after sending the letter you received a response, "Sorry, the prince only gives interviews during scheduled press conferences." Well, there goes that idea you thought.

You had read newspaper articles saying that the prince was an avid jogger. You could hang around the palace, wait until the prince went for his daily jog, and then make an appeal to him personally. Early the next morning you headed for the palace. After waiting about an hour or so, you saw the entourage coming out of the front gates. You let them get ahead of you a bit, and then you sprinted to catch up. "Your highness," you yelled, running down the street and waving your arms frantically.

The prince turned around, looked at you and continued running. A few of his bodyguards stopped and blocked your path. "Sorry kid, no autographs today," one of the bodyguards said.

You started to explain, but then stopped, figuring it was pointless.

This wasn't going to be easy. You had to hatch another scheme. What about the press conferences? Maybe you could sneak into one of those things. You had heard it through the grapevine that they were held on the first of the month. You waited outside the conference hall, trying to mix in with the crowd of reporters that had formed. When they opened the gate, you walked closely with a group, trying to act as if you were with them. You made it into the hall. You slipped into the back row without anyone noticing.

The Gnomish Prince then appeared at the podium. "I have no new announcements to make, so let's open the forum up for questions immediately."

You jumped up out of your seat, not waiting to be recognized. "Your highness, are there any immediate plans to award any more Medals of Conspicuous Gnomery?"

The prince stared in your direction, looking puzzled. "Umm, what publication are you from?"

This caught the immediate attention of a bodyguard standing in the rear of the room. He walked up next to you. "May I see your credentials please?" he said quietly. Everyone was staring at you.

You pretended to search your pockets. "I must have left them in my other suit."

"Right," the burly man said, while showing you roughly to the door.

You were about ready to give up on the prince. You would just have to admit to the board that you actually didn't know the prince at all, and let your work stand on its own merit. Then one day, with about two weeks until the thesis deadline, you were walking by the palace. You noticed that the windows were being washed today. There were some platforms, which were suspended by ropes on pulleys so that the window washers could reach the windows on the upper stories. This was your last chance.

You waited until lunchtime. You hid behind a tree near the palace front gates. You overheard two of the window washers talking.

"Hey, I'm going over to the Big Oak Bar for lunch, you wanna go along?" one of them said.

"No thanks, Herm, the other one replied. I promised the old lady I'd come home for lunch today," replied the second window washer.

You had a feeling that Herm was going to run into an old buddy down at the Big Oak. You slipped into the tavern right behind him and made your way up to the bar. You approached the bartender. "Look buddy," you said to the barman, "this guy over here, he's a big jokester and I owe him one. I'm going to start ordering some drinks and I want you to make sure that mine are good and watered down. There's a couple of gold in it for ya if you play along."

The bartender nodded greedily.

You approached the table where Herm was sitting. "Herm, how the heck you been man? Bartender, bring me over a cold one. And one for my buddy Herm here too." You were gambling that although Herm wouldn't have the faintest clue who you were, that he wouldn't be the type to turn down a free ale.

He wasn't. He smiled at you. "Not too bad, how about yourself?"

"Pretty good," you replied. Now was time to turn on the bull. "How's that wife of yours?" Another gamble, but he seemed like he'd probably be married.

Another good guess. He turned out to be married. Twelve years now, going on twenty.

You had chatted about thirty minutes now, over about 5 ales. There wasn't a lot of time left. "You know Herm," you said, "I always thought it was pretty funny how a man only about half your weight like me could pretty much drink you under the table." You chuckled, hoping that the man would take the comment less as an insult and more as a challenge.

"Is that so?" Herm replied as he belted down the last of his ale. "Barkeep, two more ales."

The challenge was on. About an hour and twelve ales later, Herm was face down on the table. You took Herm's hat and jacket, which he had hung on a nearby coat rack, and stuffed your backpack inside the jacket, so you would look fatter. Then you headed back to the palace.

You nonchalantly walked through the palace gates. One of the window washers yelled at you from across the yard, "Hey Herm, late lunch, huh?"

"Um. I guess I just lost track of time," you said in a muffled voice, making a beeline for the platform.

You pulled yourself up, looking for any sign of the Gnomish Prince. The third story window. There he was, getting a massage. You knocked on the window. No one seemed to notice. The prince was on the far side of the room about 20 feet away. There was another window that was closer, but you couldn't manipulate the platform from side to side, only up and down. You climbed onto the ledge and made your way to the other window. You knocked loudly. "Your highness!" you yelled, pressing your face against the glass.

As you started knocking again, the prince looked up, spotting you. You were waving frantically now, trying to keep his attention. Either the distraction of getting the prince's attention, or those 18 watered down ales must have caused you to lose your balance. The last thing you remember was seeing the look of horror on the prince's face as you went plummeting 3 stories to the ground.

The next thing you knew, you woke up in a foreign room, your whole body aching. A young lady was waiting in the room. She must have been a nurse, you guessed. The nurse noticed you awaken and then left the room.

She returned a few minutes later with a group of bodyguards and Isa Skbar himself.

"That was quite a fall you took," the prince said. "None of the window washers recognized you. Do you have an explanation for that?"

"Well, sir, you replied, "I'm not really a window washer."

"Then would you mind explaining what you were doing out on the ledge?" he asked.

"Well, it's rather a long story," you said. "I..."

"Wait a minute," he interrupted. "You're the same one who tried to sneak into the press conference, aren't you? And, that day, jogging? OK, do you mind telling me what is so important that you would risk life and limb, not to mention jail, just to see me?"

You explained the lie that you had made to the Thesis Approval Board.

"You certainly are persistent," he said. "All right, I usually don't do this, but I get the feeling that if I don't, I'll probably find you crawling through the palace air vents in a week or two. I'll grant you the interview. Come back in a week. Here's a pass that will get you entry into the palace. Just promise to come in through the front gates, OK?"

You promised. The palace air vents. You hadn't thought of that. It might have worked. Oh, well, you were in now, the easy way at that. You wondered how Herm was doing.

You returned a week later, feeling quite a bit better, for your interview with the Gnomish Prince. The prince gave you a lot of interesting feedback into the significance of the awards. He also told you some interesting stories about some of the award winners who he had met personally. This was going to make an excellent addition to your paper.

The prince requested a copy of your thesis when it was completed. He seemed very interested in the subject matter.

You finished up your thesis and submitted a copy both to the prince and to the board. The thesis was approved on the first draft. You would graduate the advance program with honors.

On the day of your graduation, you received a message from the Gnomish Prince. "I enjoyed your thesis very much," he wrote. "You research was quite thorough, even uncovering some information that I was not aware of. You are obviously a very talented and ambitious young man. I have spoken to your instructors, all of whom regard you highly. One of my ambassadors has a position open for an assistant. I would like to offer you this position. Sincerely, Isa Skbar"

The letter went on to say that if you accepted the position, you could start right away. There was little to think about. As the famous bard Lucky Leo once said, "If you see a gold coin on the sidewalk, and there's no one else around, you pick it up. It must be yours."

So, you took the job as an assistant to Elmansky Trflrfn, the Gnomish Ambassador to East Lansing. You spent a lot of time traveling between East Lansing and Slgrthzk. There was a war going on between the Kingdom of East Lansing and the Gnomish Kingdoms. The primary objective of the Gnomish Kingdoms was to negotiate a peace treaty with East Lansing.

Your demands for peace were fourfold. First, the return of the Statue of Brahtu. Second, recognition by East Lansing of the Gnomish Kingdoms as a sovereign state. Third, a promise to reduce the size of the Great Hunt Vault by 30% in the next 7 years (the Vault is where all of the items collected from previous Great Hunts are stored). And, fourth, the Kingdom of East Lansing would take all steps necessary to reduce discrimination against gnomes within their territories.

A consortium of council members, led by the Pooh-bah, Hammerhan and Winnie the Witch scoffed at your demands.

"You're really in no position to be making demands here," said the Pooh-bah. "We've got the upper hand in the war."

"Yes," cackled the witch, "and when we crush you little stunties, I'm going to come find you and boil your carcass in my pot. Nothing like a good gnomish stew."

Everyone seemed to ignore the witch's comments. It was at times like these when you wondered about the wisdom of having a government selected by a contest. Any old freak could win a position as a leader of the kingdom. Winnie was a case in point.

"Well, I guess we have nothing to talk about then," said Elmansky as he got up, prepared to leave.

"Wait a minute," another council member, Pharondondalae piped in. "Maybe we should consider this for a moment. What do we have to gain by continuing this war? Their demands seem reasonable for the most part."

"My good man," Hammerhan responded sarcastically, "even if we wanted to, we could not return the statue, you see, we don't have any idea where it is."

"I ate it!" screeched the witch, who then cackled insanely.

Pharondondalae replied to Hammerhan with a scowl on his face, "I bet if it was a Hunt Item, you could think of some way to find the thing."

Cathmore, the paladin Council Member, spoke, "Let's not bicker here. Mr. Trflrfn, I may be willing to concede to some of your demands, however, I don't believe a reduction in the Vault is wise at this time."

From that point on, the whole thing degenerated into a debate on the merits of the Vault. The Council was hopelessly grid locked on this issue.

The conference came to an end, with no progress on the treaty. However you remembered a quote from the gnomish general Alford Urgsgs, "The enemy of my enemy is probably not such a bad guy." This gave you an idea. The Pooh-bah, Hammerhan seemed to be main roadblock in your path to achieving a treaty. Pharondondalae and Hammerhan clearly did not see eye to eye. Here was a potential ally. You suggested to Elmansky that a private meeting with Pharondondalae might be a good idea.

The meeting was arranged. Pharondondalae told you that he believed he could get a majority on the Council, the only thing was that we had to back down on the Vault reduction demand. There was just too much inertia against it. "Look," he said, "I'm putting together a team for the next Great Hunt. I think I've got a real good shot here. Work with me on the demands. Ease off on the Vault item, and we can get the ball rolling on this treaty. If I win the Hunt, I'll get the treaty pushed through immediately, and then we'll take a serious look at the Vault issue. I can't promise you an immediate reduction or anything, all I'm saying is that I'll do what I can."

Not long after that, Pharondondalae came through and won the Great Hunt. He fulfilled his promises immediately. The statue was returned and East Lansing officially recognized the Gnomish Kingdoms. The item about reducing discrimination would be tough, but he seemed to be attacking it aggressively. He started many different sensitivity training programs and even commissioned the Cleric Lottaro to write a pro-gnome pamphlet.

Not long afterwards, Elmansky retired, and you took over his position as Chief Emissary to East Lansing.

A few issues came up during your tenure, but in general everything was much easier after the war was over and Pharondondalae came to power as the Grand Pooh-bah. You continued to pressure him on the Vault, but the other members of the Council still refused to give in. However, many of the people of East Lansing seemed to be starting to take issue themselves with the Great Vault. You thought that the positions of some of the Council might be changing soon. Not to mention, another Hunt was coming up soon and Cathmore, a fierce defender of the Vault, definitely wouldn't be returning, as his team wouldn't even be participating in the Hunt due to a paladin holiday. Winnie couldn't afford the entry fee this year. With any luck at all, maybe even Hammerhan wouldn't win a seat. His return as Pooh-bah could be disastrous. Unfortunately, his team was very strong this year, and was a favorite to win the Hunt.

Recently, a rather touchy issue had arisen. Gnomes had started disappearing from around East Lansing at an alarming rate. Due to the upcoming Hunt, it was difficult to get a quorum of the Council to take any action in response the gnome-nappings. Hammerhan was vacationing in his villa. Cathmore was preparing for the holiday. Who knew where Winnie was? Pharondondalae did all he could without the approval of the Council. It was not enough, however.

Isa Skbar soon became tired of East Lansing's inability to take action. He called you back to Slgrthzk for a meeting.

"Sline," the Gnomish Prince addressed you. "As you know, this situation with the disappearing gnomes has gotten way out of hand. East Lansing just does not seem to want to cooperate. I have decided to enter my own team in the Great Hunt. If we win a position on the council, we will be in a much better position to resolve this problem."

You agreed that it seemed like the best course of action at this time.

The prince continued, "As one of my top advisors, I would like you to help me put the team together and, of course, I would like you to be on the team yourself. I've seen your persistence and I know you have tremendous ability. Will you join the team?"

"I am at your service," you replied.

"Excellent," said the prince. "I have already recruited a past Hunt Champion, Khelven Stihl-Tewth as the team leader. I have some lists here of outstanding performers in the army. Look these over see if you can find anyone with potential."

You found a couple of members of the Royal Guard whose ancestors had won gnomish awards of achievement. Chord Kryzzlswitch and Bôka Phildedewea were both decorated themselves. They would make excellent team members.

You rescued a warrior by the name of Ira Klxzpn from an unfair imprisonment in East Lansing. He had saved a couple of gnomes from being abducted and received a jail sentence as a reward. You put a little pressure on Pharondondalae and got him out immediately. Good genes here as well. He was made a team member.

As a matter of fact, all the team members were descendents of gnomish award winners. Both Tap Brthzpn, the famous inventor of the bassomatic, and Plemmy Flrpn the Cleric of Geb both had award-winning relatives. Of course, you even had ties to award winners as well.

Even after your Hunt Champion, Khelven Stihl-Tewth turned up missing and his wife, a dwarf, replaced him, by some luck the team still maintained the good bloodline. It turns out that Jari Stihl-Tewth's maiden name was Prshtu. Apparently the dwarf had some gnomish ancestry. Well, if genetics held true, you certainly had some very accomplished team members.

After the inventor, Tap Brthzpn joined the team; the Gnomish Prince called you again into a meeting. "Mr. Brthzpn has agreed to allow you to use his new invention, a flying machine, during the great hunt. He will give you a few demonstrations before hand."

These demonstrations were rough. Your lack of engineering skills must have made you seem pretty dumb. Tap was trying to teach you how to run the thing, but you were constantly running into problems. You could get the thing into the air OK, but you could never quite compensate for the wind speed and altitude. You always ended up spiraling back to the earth whenever a gust of wind cropped up. Luckily, the thing had a parachute. Tap was constantly yelling at you. This guy really wasn't a very good teacher. It was good that you were a pretty tolerant guy or you would have told him off long ago. He really needed to learn some patience.

Your team was complete. You were as ready as you were going to be with the flying device. You anxiously awaited the start of the Great Hunt.